It's the final week! We're down to single digits, folks! Hell, I leave Korea in less than 72 hours! I thought I'd offer up a final word before closing up shop on this little blog.
I know I've talked about this at great length here, and you're probably sick of hearing about it, but over the course of the last two years, my main goal--in fact, my only goal--has been to be happy; to dedicate myself to the pursuit of the people and things that bring me happiness in life. It's not as easy as Pharrell Williams makes it out to be.
When you get older, happiness becomes much more complicated to define than simply drawing a happy sun in the sky with your Crayola crayons and giving him a cool pair of shades and a smile. We can find happiness in the company of loved ones, in a song, a book, a tree, a place, a piece of art, a meal, a car, a movie, a hobby--anything--but that doesn't mean we're happy; it means we know what gives us pleasure.
I'm of the belief that true happiness can only be found intrinsically. If you're not happy with yourself, then any positive stimulation from the outside world will only bring you pleasure, not happiness. However, if you're comfortable in your skin and aware of your imperfections; if you're attuned to your wants and your needs; if you've clearly defined your values and ambitions; if you're confident that in that moment, you're exactly where you're supposed to be, you don't just experience pleasure, but fulfillment as well, and that's what inspires intrinsic happiness. I think it's the difference between being happy and feeling happy.
Being happy is extremely difficult; at least, it seems that way. There are bills to pay, responsibilities to fulfill, appointments to keep, errands to run, promises to keep, people and places to see, and all the while, there's the violent clamour of the world around us--updates about war, death, political scandals, or celebrity babies; viral videos of cute babies and/or cats or an adorable child playing your favourite song on guitar; troll-worthy photos; lifestyle articles about why we travel or some new diet; the latest must-watch television show. It's all exhausting! Maybe I just never learned how to navigate life properly, but it just seems like we give ourselves very little time to listen to the clamour erupting inside us. That was my goal in coming to Korea: Blocking out all the noise so I could listen to what my heart was trying to tell me. I came here to learn to be happy with myself.
On my way here, though, I wondered how difficult it would be to live so far from home--the people, the city, and the life that I loved--for an entire year. I came in knowing nothing; I didn't know where I was going to work, what the job would look like, what my apartment would look like, how much I'd be able to save each month, what kind of groceries I'd buy for myself each week, etc. Nothing was in place, and I guess that nothingness and the unknown are what make uprooting your life seem so scary; you don't know what you're walking in to. But really, nothingness is where it's at. You're forced to find your own sense of place, establish new routines, ground yourself among new people, and explore new boundaries. This is how Korea helped me see a clearer picture of myself.
One of the things that I'm most proud of is the fact that I don't have any regrets about my time here. Yes, in the moment, I wish I hadn't missed out on the start of the Sea Parting Festival; but I was elsewhere at the time, and sometimes elsewhere is where you're supposed to be. There are things I didn't get to do in Korea, like check out the DMZ, but the things I did get to do were pretty damn memorable in their own right. That, in itself, is a huge step for me, since I'm typically very task-oriented.
My main strategy to avoiding that mindset this year was to maintain a semblance of balance in my Korean life. I wanted to travel, but save money; I wanted to relax, but party. Initially, I was more naturally inclined to play more on the conservative side, but with the help of an amazing group of friends, I gradually learned to just let go, and I found that life sort of balanced itself out. From time to time, I even set off on some spontaneous last minute trips all on my own, just because the opportunity was there. Life doesn't have to be so damn linear all the time.
Of course, having an easy job that I could leave--both physically and mentally--at 5:00 everyday, and not having financial burdens made finding that balance much easier. However, I hope to keep that balance in place in my life post-Korea. If my task-oriented Anxiety won't go away, maybe I'll just have to section off a block of time in my daily agenda to 'not give a fuck'--go to concerts, visit family and friends, write, read, take an impromptu trip somewhere, and ignore the rest of the world. Feeling happy and being happy may be two different things, but one definitely leads to the other.
Now that I'm heading home, there is this small fear of losing my sense of self once I get there; forgetting everything that I've learned here, and losing that sense of clarity. I don't want to go home and feel like the past year never even happened.
Whatever happens when I get home, though, there is one thing I know for sure: I'm more sure of who I am and what I want than I was 12 months ago, and I'm a happier person because of that. Korea was the right thing to do at the right time; I got what I needed from my time here: An opportunity to reflect on my recent past, and time to collect my thoughts in preparation for the next stage in life. Now it's time to take those next steps, whatever they may be.
감사합니다, Korea.
Cheers
PS: (In no particular order)
Top 5 Moments in Korea
Paragliding
Temple Stay in Beomeosa
Meeting Minhee, Su Yeong, and Crystal in Andong
Cheesy BBQ in Hogye
Getting inked in Busan
Top 7 Things I Will Miss About Korea
The food
The students
Noraebong
Friendly strangers
My fellow waygooks
The mountains
Cheap cabs
Top 5 Things I Won't Miss About Korea:
The washrooms (both public and home)
The lack of concern for pedestrians
The lack of garbage bins
The endless waits at intersections
The constant last minute changes
