I Wanna Go Home

You know you're ready to go when you've started your countdown. 44 days left. That's it.

I don't want to feel this way, but I really, really do. I still love Korea--the food, the people (my God, the people!), the sites, the nightlife--but I miss my own little world; I miss my family, my friends, my job (seriously!), and most of all, my life.

I came to Korea to fix myself, to detox the stress out of my life. In a nutshell, the source of stress was my Anxiety. I've written about this before, but the gist of the problem has always been that my mind is a clusterfuck of thoughts worrying about the future, both short and long-term.

To an extent, my Anxiety forces me to be a planner; just so that I can feel better knowing that certain things are in place. I can deviate from these plans and move around the small things, but it's comforting to know that I'm in control of certain parts of my life.

Now the great thing about Korea is that most of the sources of my stress were left back home, so it's been nice to not have to think about a lot of those things. Putting life on pause was a breath of fresh air.

Then I went home for a weekend for a wedding at the end of May. That was hard. It was an amazing experience because I got to see a lot of my favourite people in the world, and it was an absolute blast, but then I had to come back here. Then I realized just how much I missed home. I realized that I want to get my life started back up again.

In the months leading up to the wedding, that weekend became a marker in my mind; I knew that after the wedding, I would be home for good in three months. All of a sudden, Toronto became a real thing again.

Since I've been back, it's like I left a part of me back home. The wheels have started turning again, and I find myself thinking about life in September. I'm thinking about letting schools in the area know that I'm available to substitute teach again; I'm thinking about my music blog and other projects I want to start; I'm thinking about spending more time with friends and family; I'm thinking about when I can fit time in for things like reading, exercising, maybe even taking another crack at the guitar; hell, I'm even thinking about the grand trip I have planned for next April.

This shit is going through my head while I'm teaching. I'm thinking about it when I'm trying to fall asleep. It's like I'm already gone.

The frustrating thing is that I came here to try and figure out how to clear the clutter from my thoughts. I'm starting to think that's never going to happen; it's just who I am. Hopefully, once I'm back in the thick of it all, I'll have a new perspective on things after the year I've had here. We'll see.

Until then, I really need to try and make the most of my time here and the experience and the people. I've already had to say goodbye to a good friend in Edward, who's back in 'Murica by now. Eddie was a cool cat who knew how to make me laugh.

This past weekend was a huge blur that started on Thursday night and didn't end til Sunday evening, but it was spent in the company of some amazing people that I will sorely miss. The end of my time in Korea will be much like the end of summer camp.

As the day approaches, I'm also dreading having to say goodbye to my students more and more. In my after school classes, there's a little first grader with an impressive level of English, and he's taken to waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs everyday so that I can walk him home.

This is what I will miss.

Yesterday in class, after two boys were being particularly silly, I looked at the girls sitting behind them and said, "These boys are crazy," to which one girl replied with, "Men" and a roll of the eyes. She's all of eights of age.

This is what I will miss.

In the next period, one kid shared this wonderful insight with me: "Teacher, Mr. Mendoza...M," before pointing to the shape of my hairline and repeating, "M" as he drew an 'M' in the air with his finger.

This is what I will miss.

On Thursday, I stopped to buy some chicken on my way home, and a student and her mother walked up and offered to buy my dinner.

This is what I will miss.

Thankfully, I'm not quite done with Korea yet.

There are two things I'm really looking forward to before I leave: First, my friend Minhee is getting married this weekend, and has graciously invited me attend her big day. Minhee's the one I met in Andong several months ago, and she's moving to Toronto with her fiancee very soon. I'm excited for them, and I look forward to seeing them on the other side of the world shortly. Hopefully I can help them get settled into their new lives.

The other thing I'm excited about is the Autism Centre that recently opened up. I'll be visiting there four of the last six Saturdays before I leave. It'll be a great way to say goodbye to Korea, and to thank her for everything that she's done for me.

I'm ready to go home--I've gotten as much as I can out of my time in Korea--but I still have 44 days to soak in everything that I love about this place before I have to say goodbye. The clutter can wait. It has to wait.